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Name:Shinzo
Birthday: 04/1987
Sex:Female
Occupation: Professional
Interests: Traveling, meeting different, people, working out and learning
Music: Yuya Matsushita, Alejandro Fernandez, David Bisbal, Ne-Yo,Gackt, Versailles & Kagrra
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Shinzo
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read my profile
sign my guestbook
Birthday: 4/3/1987
Gender: Female
Interests: I want to make your dreams come true...will you help me?
Expertise: Within our dazzling galaxy,
your heart is drawing in and approaching me
The two of us are just looking up at the stars,
and in this moment, the colors of the sky are all blending together
Don't let yourself forget the important things in life
A heart that knows no impurity
-vivian or kazuma
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
2/12/2003
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| When I have free time, I really don't know what to do with myself.
I am trying to live my life for me, but for so long I have lived it for others. It will be difficult to be selfish and to just focus on me. However, the experience that I went through earlier this year has shown me that if I don't slow down and do things for ME, I will be in worst shape and won't be around long enough to enjoy the things I have worked so hard for/towards.
Yet, how do I not let my parents affect me? They are such a mess. As a 23 year old, it seems as though I have more of my shit together than they do. They don't have savings, they live paycheck to paycheck, have no life insurance, no Will -nothing!
Now my dad regrets leaving (for the 2nd time no less) and wants to come back home but my mom can't live with him anymore so SHE"S the one leaving now. AH, what will I do with these two?
Out of my mother's 4 children I am the only one who has a bachelor's and I am going for a master's this year. My older sister works at 7 eleven, my older brother cleans buses, and my younger sister delivers pizzas. My dad's other 3 kids, two out of three have a degree but one got it in a very useless field and doesn't make much money. The youngest got it in nursing but refuses to work in order to take care of her two kids but lives in poverty because she married some religious dude who didn't go to college and therefore, doesn't make much. I am worried if something happens to my dad when he is back it will mainly fall on me because I am the most educated out of all their children and the most put together...Mind you, my father is 67 this year and my mother 56.
While growing up I wasn't sure of what I should do, but I knew that I wouldn't do the things they did or ignore the things that they did. As soon as I graduated college, I got a job, opened a roth ira, invested and got life insurance. People assume that when they die they are no longer a burden on others but they totally are, especially if they didn't plan for it. Look, the only thing that is certain in this life is death (more so than taxes in my opinion). We all know we will die one day, no surprise there - so why the hell would you not plan for that? What kind of inconsiderate moron doesn't even plan for this (I am sure more than we would like to think)? If my family is so important to me, why would I let them be stuck with my debt (in some states this happens, I have to check how it may work out in our case). Then there are funeral expenses and the aftermath of not having me around as a provider to consider.
My friend told me that I am good at delaying gratification, and she may be right...this may be a problem. Yet, growing up in a household where your parents lived paycheck to paycheck, spoke very little English and didn't comprehend what high school or college entailed for that matter, made things very difficult for me to be an irresponsible teenager. I had to step up to the plate because no one else would. I've been told "you are your own best advocate". The future really terrifies me...I've worked so hard to accomplish so much but I can never truly enjoy it with my family. They ruined my HS and college graduation. They could never put aside their problems and frustrations and stop fighting for a moment. I know as I get older it will be easier to say, "they did the best that they could"...But right now, it's not enough of a consolation, it really isn't. All I hope for is to be able to remain strong throughout these trials before me and to endure, endure, endure. | | |
| Who knows what is ahead of us?
I will reach my hand out and grasp at the unknown. | | |
| I need some type of challenge in my life. I don't feel I am being challenged. I am learning a lot of work but I don't feel challenged. Maybe I also need competition? I need competition in my life. By nature I am very competitive individual. I also like to be busy and I feel like I am not doing enough different things to keep me busy. I refuse to be complacent. Work is going well for now but I need to be doing other things.
I've been thinking about kendo. I need to call the CEC and see if they are still doing kendo classes there. I really hope so. I miss kendo. I also need to go for my ranking and take the test. I can't keep doing things half assed. A little dabble here, a little dabble there. I have to stick to the things I've started and master them! That means following through with Japanese, the trumpet and kendo. I have to master them. I let it slide, but it's really bothering me right now. I'm turning 24 next year, which means I'm close to 25. I have to at least excel in one of these things before I turn 25. I have to play in a band of some sort, take the Japanese laguage proficiency test, and become 2nd dan in kendo - this will mean real progress. | | |
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Late Night Alumni Song: Empty Streets The city feels clean this time of night Just empty streets and me walking home To clear my head
I know it came as no surprise
I'm affected more than I had guessed
By what was said-then
If this loves not meant to be
If a hearts not ready to open
If the naked eye won't see
It's broken. It's a quiet time before the dawn And I'm half past making sense of it Was I wrong? Should I think to give it all-should I claim to give it all? In a world where not much ever seems To last long. If this loves not meant to be If a hearts not ready to open If the naked eye won't see-if we make it i won't see It's broken.  | | |
| I felt unmotivated so I did something about it- I joined a gym. I have been going at least 3 times a week and I see a trainer once a week. So far I have seen him twice and I look forward to continue working with him. My goal is to run the Philadelphia half marathon in November. In April I am going to run in the Sakura 5k (3 miles). One has to start somewhere right?
The gym has truly helped me. I am able to get out my frustrations and aggressions and I am better able to handle stress (though of course, one can always improve). I am still working on my Japanese and I hope that in the fall I can take a formal course so that I can regain my writing skills in it. As I am getting older I realize that, I have to do more for ME. What does this mean? I am not going to become selfish or self-centered. I still care about my friends and family; I will always do my best to help them when they are in a pinch. However, I have to make sure that I am happy FIRST, otherwise I can't help anyone else.
This realization has hit me hard at 22. When I was younger my father always told me, 'first you, second you and lastly you'. He always pushed me to think about myself and to make sure that I was happy and healthy. I always tried my best to do this but I don't think I ever grasped it like I do now. Now that I have been working full time for nearly a year I understand. To people you are just a cog, a worker bee, a puppet. Should you get sick or need to leave for whatever reason - they don't care because you are easily replaced, and with this economy it may be easier than ever to do so. Therefore, I refuse to let things get in the way of my happiness and health because they are invaluable!
I also realized another very important thing. I won't ever find my happiness...because it's not something that I can find, because it is something that I must create for myself. I am the architect of my own destiny. I will draw the way.
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